Yesterday morning I set out to walk the labyrinth that sits out behind my church. I picked up my favorite “walking rock” from the pile of gravel (it helps me focus to have something in my hand) and took the first step onto the path. It was a beautiful morning, with the sun streaming through the trees, making lovely patterns of shadow and light on the turns of the labyrinth.
As I walked the winding path towards center, I thought about January – this elusive month looming about in my future. You see, I have a plan through the end of this year. I know what I’m doing, how I’m making money, etc. But January begins a year where my plans end. My internship will be over. My classes will change. I’ll have new goals to accomplish, new commitments to attend to. Things will be different.
I felt a rising anxiety growing in my stomach and my breath quicken. Then I tried to plan, to control something, to find a way to know what I’ll be doing. I could get a job. But what job? And how would I balance work and school? On and on went the questions until I started sensing this still small voice somewhere deep inside me call me to remember: God knows the desires of my heart. God knows them intimately, in and out. And not only does God know them, but God created them and put them there. All of my passions, gifts, and deepest dreams. God knows what I’m good at. What I love to do. And God hasn’t forgotten.
I’m really good at saying, “God, help me to trust you” and really bad at actually doing it. Because somehow I think that if I don’t take matters into my own hands, it’s never going to happen. That I’m not going to get to do what I want to do. That I won’t have enough money to live and be happy.
But God knows me. And created me. And hasn’t forgotten me. When I remember that, I can take a deep breath and be present to this moment. I can learn to trust that the God who knit my being together will open the way forward, even when I can’t see around the next bend.