Today during a burst of energy and inspiration, as I went through my clothes and let go of two thirds of them, I had a thought:
I’m not happy. Like in my life, right now. The last few months have been ROUGH. Don’t get me wrong, there are parts of my life that are very happy, and bring me lots of life and joy. But based on the intense stress and pain my body is in, something needs to change.
This afternoon I realized that maybe my #31daysofTRUTH idea and the last three months of awfulness are connected. Like my body and feels have been anticipating a letting loose, a change, a something coming up and panicked hard core.
So I did a little interior digging to see what’s going on/why am I unhappy and unearthed some gems:
- I have a hard time talking to people when I’m having a rough time.
- Similarly, I’m not great at asking for help. Or even thinking to ask for help. My DIY mentality really trips me up. Also, fucking individualism and all the weird internalized messages that I have to be strong all the time.
- I’m afraid to be my full self all the time, even though I desperately want to. I’m afraid of others opinions and judgements.
- I think I didn’t want to admit how much pain I feel. To admit it makes it feel more real, and I’m damn good at denial.
- I have too much stuff – like literal stuff – in my life, clogging up my space.
- I’ve been trying to figure out what happy looks like within certain bounds or boxes, rather than dreaming about what my life could look like outside my current path.
These are, in addition to a certain person getting elected president, a lot of weird violent misogynistic bullshit, general clogged energy of a certain country of which I’m a part of, and some awful personal things (which I will get into in further #31daysofTRUTH posts)…
It’s been a rough time. And I’m not happy. And I’m in pain. And I’m ready to let loose. Ready to be me. Ready to be free. Ready to be the kind of happy that isn’t happiness = arrival, but happiness = adventure.
So folks, here we go!